I have this strange feeling. Its been almost 2 months in this country now. But I still feel like I'm going through the motions of moving forward and hanging on again. I think all too often of all that I've left behind, and I'm fascinated by all that lies within me. I have this intense desire of being in the arms of the people that I love. To remember how it feels to be surrounded by people who know me for me. Yet I am in awe of the experiences and self reliance I have come to know in only a few weeks, a couple months, out here on my own. The feeling of independence, of getting to know myself, of taking care of things on my own, of growing up.
Somewhere inside my core, there is something that still enables me to know and believe that where I am is exactly where I am meant to be. To learn and to be just me, maybe for the first time in my life. To learn how to stand on my own accord. To be self reliant, and to rediscover. To smile. To remember. To be thankful. To meet people and be myself and be loved for that all over again. Appreciating this new life which is better than I ever thought it could be. I am happy.
But sometimes I don't know how to balance emotions or feelings. I don't know how to say things to even my closest friends and family because I can't describe the intensity these mixed emotions have.
I'm somewhere between here and there. Waiting to learn more.Wanting just to remember.
6 comments:
hi!
Well....... my comments would be hugely affected by the state of my mind right now...... which is not excatly 'absolute' if u know what I mean. Its absolutely true that comming here n living my life is making recognise my own potential, makeing me self-sufficient...... I am re-discovering my likes n dislikes n my interest in life.
Truely speaking I am living my life like I always wanted to.
AND NOT.
Wel its not more like 'here n there' for me...... its more like a rollar coaster of boon n bane.
I stay up till two in the morning just chatting with my roommate, or decide to spend the night at another girls apt, or just spend the day cooking four types of breakfast. No one tells me that maple syrup and pancakes are not breakfast. I have to take care of my test dates and decide on movie night with responsibility n stuff like that.
But then again I have to care for the fact that I am being PAID by my department. And this is a responsibility of completely different sort. Taking care of banking problems, trying to resolve the academic style defferance between here n India are the troubles which are not trivial for me.
Back home the biggest financial decision I ever made was which ticket in Inox to buy so that I have money left for pop corn! Everything else was taken care of by dad-bank.
Studies were a different ball game altogether. More than frequent taxis and buses I miss the resourse that we used to know as home-tutors.
Getting settled where lifestyle is concerned has not been a big thing for me. Yes, my parents are back home (the place which I will always call home!). Yes I miss the numerous pujo pandals and the Saradiya Potrikas. I even miss the word 'SARODIYA'. But practically speaking, I am having more trouble coping up with the responsibility of being a student AND an employee. Me, daddy's little girl, is not having trouble with missing baba r bajar kora Ilish machh so much when I have Salmon, as to miss his guidance and academic help.
Oh dear! something stings in my eyes.
Gotta go.
Growing up. Growing, thats the most accurate thing about the here and there :)
The past shall always be beautiful. And home shall always be there to return to. You are very lucky that you left home with good memories of it. The hollow of leaving home in desperation to run away doesnt easily translate into a warm glow of peace and certainty about the present.
Maybe the way to reconcile the two sets of emotions is to realise they arent so separate afterall. you were learning and experiencing even while at home. Thats still the same, that you are learning.
Fruition, an education outside the class room. its easy to underestimate yourself till you can prove you can do the deed. Live alone. And its such a jolt of joy, the days that you know. That you are worthwhile. And home and here and there are just the bounds of these small dimensions we call time and space. Who do you have to prove anything to anyway, life isnt all a long test. Its a journey, cheesy as that may sound :)
When the final reality is that once the sense of YOU has been solidified, you will have no trouble with being between one thing and another. Not to mention, la la land! The big picture: it will be visible to you.
I hope you get there and take a good long full time to do so. People and the norms of the world always try to fill our heads with garbage about being in a rush to achieve this and that. I think taking your time to go about finding and loving who you are and what you are capable of, along with times of being incomplete, times of sorrow, times of wistfulness, times of excitement and times of sharing are one half of the point anyway.
Spending time, its never a weakness. Never let anyone convince you of that. A wonderful girl once gave me strength with these pearls of wisdom : be happy. be strong. have faith. life itself is the greatest gift.
No rush. No push. You KNOW good things just come about unexpectedly. Cherish them Maddy.
We will be friends. And ill smile when you update me on how well you're getting to know you. I see so much potential in you. Just because you're new to the 'new' doesnt mean you cant join in and have a precious time winning some, losing some, and all the normal 'somes' in the middle.
:)
good luck
Love
a very nice post...arguably the most intense one u have written so far...i can easily identify myself with ur conflicting emotions...i guess almost everyone who leaves home to set foot on distant lands experiences such "mixed feelings"...but as u have started realizing urself, it leads to self-discovery...u learn to stand on ur own feet, take difficult decisions and shape ur own life...on the whole, i believe, between here and there u can find ur own exclusive retreat, which will become an inseparable part of ur existence no matter whr u go or wat u do in the coming years
You have done such a beautiful job of putting these feelings into words.
You have magic beans....you'll be just fine sweetheart :)
and remember, I'll always be there for you..anytime you need to just talk.
Love you
very well put girl. that's exactly what i went through too.. in fact, am still going through.
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