"Savour the pain from longing for your past, for only those with blessed lives, do"

What is it about memory that makes the worst look benign and the best look better? Why are things always so forgiving when we remember them? A cup of coffee, a night-out with friends, a trip with family, a conversation, a movie, a song - all of the events that seem mundane and commonplace today, but as they get pushed back further and further in time, a mist of yearning gathers around, gilding them till they start to glow. They seem like bright little lamps down a dark flowing stream.

I came across this quote today :

"I cannot walk through the suburbs in the solitude of the night without thinking that the night pleases us because it suppresses idle details, just as our memory does." -Jorge Luis Borges

Thats what memory does. Etches the important lines deeper, blurs out the rest.

Spoiled for choice

Over the last few months I've been overwhelmed with the choices that I get here in this country, I have accepted and embraced the idea of having options hurled at me every minute!

I remember my first sandwich - at Subway. I asked for the 6" inch Chicken Teriyaki.
"White or Wheat?", the girl at the counter wanted to know.
I ignored her. She must be talking to the person behind me I thought. I had placed my order already.
She looked at me again, and repeated, a little louder, "White or wheat?"
"What?" I asked.
"Bread", she said.
"Yes", I replied, more than a little puzzled. Weren't all sandwiches made with bread?
After a few more unsuccessful attempts at communicating, the lady gave up and held up two huge loaves in her hands - "this or THIS?" she gestured.
Oh, they have two types of bread..ding-ding-ding-ding!!! Before I could laugh in my mind at my powers of comprehension, I was bombarded with more choices, a flurry of them, each slapping me in quick succession - "Mustard-Mayo-Cheese? Veggies? Salt? Pepper? Oil? Chips with that? A drink? Cookie? Cash or credit?" Huh!

Surprisingly, my first visit to Starbucks caused no embarrassment - the cashier seemed to know instinctively that I was not very good at multiple choice questions, so he decided to go easy on me and only ask questions for which a simple "yes" or "no" would suffice. Coffee? Large? Room for Cream? Paying with cash? Phew! I nailed that one.

Got me thinking. Choices, of course, come in two flavors themselves. Gel or Paste, Easy fit or Relaxed, Rocky Road or Mint Chocolate Chip, Soup or Salad - these are the choices that just pretend to be that, for in the long run, it doesn't really matter which one you pick. Neither the Easy Fit nor the Relaxed is right for me - what I need is the Low Rise Hipster with just a little flare at the bottom. And, it's likely that when I go back to that restaurant a second time, if I picked salad the last time, I can ask for soup this time.
But then, there are the big choices that really get you thinking, for your decision then will change your life. The choices that keep you up at nights. The ones that make you call your parents and siblings and loved ones in the hope that one of them will come up with a point you've failed to consider. These are the decisions for which you need "for" and "against" columns to all the factors you need to take into account. You are so afraid of making the wrong choice that you would rather not choose at all!

I figured having choices can mean pleasure or pain, depending on whether you choose to enjoy the process for what it is or whether you let yourself be bogged down by the weight of it.
Having too many choices can either make you free or tie you down. The former, when you realize that you're lucky to have choices, the latter when you fail to see the broader implications of having many roads to travel by, of having enough time on your hands so it doesn't matter if you get a little lost along the way.

Content

What a gorgeous day! Sunny and blue. It was amazing outside today, not very hot, 'twas warm but with a breeze. I spent a half hour beside the reflecting pond in the campus today. I thought its been a while since the sky looked so beautiful. But then I realised maybe I've never looked at it the way I did today. It made me forget about all the stress. I love days like these.

I don't think I can get enough out of the moments when I just want it to last forever! I have this intense feeling of intoxication because I can't get anymore content. It's really overwhelming.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Expectations and more

I have always had high (sometimes perhaps unfair) expectations of people. And I would end up being hurt, all my life. It's almost as if the optimism in me always said - oh give it a few moments more, surely they'll come through - because isn't that what people are supposed to do? Someone will reach out their arms to love me. Someone will understand that I just need them to be there. But I was often disappointed.

Then I was told : "no-one can ever hurt you unless you let them. believe that." So I decided I need to be strong and not expect too much of people. I heard life's too short to worry about how other people aren't giving you what you expect of them. Then I practiced that for a while. I stopped being vulnerable. But lately I feel its almost like losing faith in people. And that's not a good thing. I was always told that people are essentially good. And I believed that. I've been lucky and blessed enough to see a lot of goodness around. And lately I've met and come across people like that. People who are "spontaneously nice". People who make me want to be a better human being.

So now I don't know how much to expect. How much is too much? How much is worthwhile? I wonder!

But I like to be an optimist. I know that happiness is a choice and a choice I wish to make.

I know that the hope that overflows within me is greater than any fear I may ever have. I know that people are innately good, and I choose to believe that. To have expectations, and to be a positive person. To be happy and forgiving, of myself and of others. To have passion and desire. To be thankful for everything that comes my way. To love deeply, with all my heart and not be afraid of heartbreaks. To believe in possibility. And to keep the faith!

Perhaps these last two months have defined me :)